With kids, friendly connections somehow still spontaneously develop, even in this era of organized playdates. It’s regularly effortless, simple and sometimes goes a little like this:
Dylan: “I like your dinosaur shirt.”
Emma: “I had a T-Rex birthday party.”
Dylan: “You wanna play dinosaurs on the slide?”
Emma: “Yeah! Mom, I’m going to the slide with my friend.”
If only that could happen with adolescents and adults. But it doesn’t. And it needs to. More people are reporting loneliness and a lack of connection, let alone meaningful and supportive friendships.
The situation existed long before the Covid-19 pandemic forced lockdowns and isolation. According to research posted by the National Institutes of Health, the number of friendships began declining in the early 1990s, and it hasn’t stopped.
Excluding relationships with family members, here’s what the Survey Center on American Life found out about friendship during a 31-year time frame:
- 40% of men reported having 10 or more close friends in 1990, only 15% said the same in 2021
- 28% of women said they had 10 or more close friends in 1990, but that declined to 11% by 2021
- 2% of women and 3% of men surveyed in 1990 said they did not have any close friends at all. By 2021, 15% of men said they didn’t have any close friends, and 10% of women said the same
But friendships are essential for good mental and physical health. People with close confidants and friends are less likely to suffer from depression or die from heart problems, the American Psychological Association reported.
“When people are low in social connection – because of isolation, loneliness, or poor-quality relationships – they face an increased risk of premature death,” Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a Brigham Young University psychology and neuroscience, said in the APA report.
But there’s encouraging news for adults and adolescents who struggle to make friends. For years, numerous researchers and mental health experts have been investigating what affects the ability to make friends, how to make friends and how to keep friends.
Between the numerous studies and suggestions from psychologists, scientific findings provide actionable guidance on how to develop friendships that can improve mental health, physical health and outlook on life.
Several serious conditions could inhibit a person’s ability to socialize and make friends. They could include social anxiety disorder, enochlophobia (fear of crowds), fear of people (anthropophobia) and chronic or severe illnesses.
There has been considerable research on friendship involving people who do not have those conditions, and a recent study identified three prevalent habits that limit the ability to build connections.
Insecure attachment
Attachment style involves making assumptions about whether someone will reject or accept you. Previous relationships and childhood experiences influence attachment style. People with insecure attachment are prone to avoid others to prevent being hurt, and they feel anxious because they’re worried about abandonment.
An insecure attachment style makes people less trusting, less willing to be vulnerable and less likely to forgive slights. Those behaviors all curtail the chance of developing meaningful and lasting connections. Therapies designed to investigate and challenge negative thought patterns could help address insecure attachment.
Technology
Extended and frequent use of technology can impair the ability to meet and make friends, researchers found. People who use tech and social platforms to arrange in-person meetings reported more social interaction than people who use tech in lieu of in-person interactions, according to a pre-pandemic study of adolescents and college-age students.
Researchers described the practice of replacing real-life interactions with technology as “rampant.” And while some people assert that texting or always being first to like or comment on a social post builds relationships, it’s not the same, researchers contend.
There might be a connection, but it’s not as strong, they said. “…The better individuals notice social cues and body language, the better social connection will be….Many technological methods for interaction prevent users from accessing body language, which may hinder connection,” they wrote.
Earlier research reached the same conclusion, finding that messaging produced the lowest level of connection, while face-to-face communication (like what happened between fictional Dylan and Emma) produced the highest.
Fear of rejection
Researchers have theorized that people who fear rejection tend to isolate themselves from social situations. Or, if they go to a social engagement, they’ve already assumed strangers will reject them, so they distance themselves or give people the cold shoulder.
It becomes a lonely self-fulfilling prophecy. Assume you won’t be liked. Exhibit unlikable behavior. And then people don’t associate with you.
The steady decline in friendship building and the persistent uptick in loneliness remains on the radar of mental and physical health professionals. And their work to identify causes and solutions is building a roadmap for their patients to develop the healthy connections they want and good health requires.
